Breaking up with a histrionic or
narcissist? Be prepared for the battle of your life! While you are an
emotional basket case, he is as Cold as Ice! While you are left holding
down the fort and dealing with the real-life responsibilities, he walks
away from everything leaving you to mop off his stage and pay
his bills. He will punish you in ways you couldn't possibly
have ever imagined...
.... and not even acknowledge it to
himself! Why? Because he's off charming the socks off of new women as
if your years together didn't even exist! And to him they didn't! The
narcissist has a 'counterfeit heart'!
Narcissists tend to make very good
first impressions on others. They are excellent actors and can fool
almost anybody, even trained individuals. However, they have counterfeit
hearts. Underneath their brilliant exterior lies a man that
is self-centered and self-focused, dishonest, irresponsible, disloyal,
and lacking emotions, remorse, and a conscience. These men live with a
false sense of grandiosity and specialness and are easily
found to be arrogant and deceitful. Underneath their fake
exterior is an empty fraud who seemingly is lacking
a human soul.
know how to fake orgasm. Men know how to fake an entire relationship."
~ Sharon Stone
Of course, you will never see
this in the beginning of the relationship with a narcissistic man. Many
women do not see any of these awful qualities until the relationship
gets serious because both the narcissist and his prey tend to idolize
people in the beginning of relationships.
And being idolized
feels good - so good that we often willingly overlook the red flags.
Unfortunately, the narcissist is
sociopathic in that they often see themselves as victims, and lack
remorse or the ability to empathize with others (did you notice that
[according to him] ALL his 'exes' were 'psycho bitches'? THERE SHOULD
HAVE BEEN MAJOR RED FLAGS WAVING IN YOUR FACE FROM EVERYWHERE ON THAT
ONE - BUT IT PROBABLY DIDN'T REALLY HIT YOU UNTIL 'YOUR' RELATIONSHIP
WITH HIM WAS OVER!!). (More on this later...)
See, narcissistic men haven't the
ability to see their own negative actions or the detrimental roles they
play in their relationships with others. The narcissist is a deceptive
man and the most common form of his deception is his own
self-deception. He truly believes he is perfectly innocent of
having committed any wrongdoing - ever.
He holds himself completely blameless
for any part in the breakdown of your relationship (or ANY of his past
relationships). Don't hold your breath waiting for an apology from this
man, or even an admittance on his part of being partially
to blame - for anything. He believes he has done
nothing wrong, as he is just so wonderful! (At least, in his own mind.)
The narcissist doesn't care about
your problems or your feelings. He has absolutely no regard or respect
for anyone's feelings; he is completely without empathy and is never
above taking advantage of others for his own personal gain. He is
constantly hungry for praise and he will go on a feeding frenzy for the
adoration and admiration he desperately seeks with every individual he
comes in contact with. He is a legend in his own mind, and deeply
living in a fantasy world built on his own imagined self-importance.
"The narcissist can
neither give nor receive love.
He cannot empathize with the pain and suffering of others. Although he
is often incredibly charming and draws many people into his 'enchanted
circle', the narcissist is incapable of true intimacy.
At the core of his life experience, the narcissist has emotionally
and often financially harmed so many. He has treated others
with cruelty, ruthlessness and indifference too many times. Ultimately,
in the depth of his unconscious, he knows he is an empty fraud"
~Linda Martinez-Lewi Ph.D.
Nothing can be more painful than
breaking up with a histrionic narcissistic man. He will not take it
kindly - not because he will grieve the loss of you (you mean nothing
to this man) but simply because
you will have embarrassed him. And damaging his ego is a totally
unforgivable sin to the narcissist! I'm afraid you're about to become
his next victim, so be aware of his soon-to-come character assassin of
you, your family, your friends, and even your children.
(Narcissistic men [they all hold an actor's award] will say just about
anything about another in order to protect their perfect 'image'.)
Whether or not this has happened to
you, it is still a very painful realization when you come to discover
that you meant absolutely nothing to someone you loved very much. The
realization that this man never loved you
(don't delude yourself) hurts beyond compare. It is hard to understand
that a histrionic narcissist loves only himself, and, if anything,
considered you more a 'love-rival' than a 'lover'.
He was with you for the 'benefits'.
His benefits could have been something as simple as getting his needy
ego stroked, or being taken care of financially, or maybe it was
something more, like status or opportunity - but whatever his benefits,
being loved by you or being in an intimate relationship with you was
not one of them. What I mean to say is 'love' and 'relationship' are
not considered benefits to him!
You will find that you have changed
during the course of the relationship with a narcissist. You will walk
away completely far removed from the beautiful woman you were when you
entered it. You may have gone from soft, sweet and feminine to hardened
and bitter. From trusting, open and receptive to suspicious and
untrusting. From self-assured and confident to being full of self-doubt
and insecurities. It will take some hard work on your part to let this
damaged part of you go and find your old self again.
A NARCISSIST HAS A
CALLOUS DISREGARD - FOR YOU
For most of us breaking up with a
narcissist can leave us feeling confused, devastated, and untrusting of
all men in the future.
Usually, when a relationship ends
both parties grieve some, both parties have regrets and both parties
have done things that they feel remorseful for.
But not a narcissist! He walks away
from you with a cold, callous disregard. He feels
A narcissist will avoid looking at
you - even if you are sitting right in front of him. This is his way of
'dismissing' and 'devaluing' you. All narcissists do this and, of
course, there is nothing about these actions that are normal,
but your mind can't conceive this and so it tries to understand.
However, there is no making sense of the 'senseless'.
A narcissist can turn from loving you
to discarding you almost abruptly as it took for him to 'idolize' you
after his first meeting you. Uh, what was that? About one date
would you say?
"Abuse is an
integral, inseparable part of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
The narcissist idealizes and then DEVALUES and discards the
object of his initial idealization. This abrupt, heartless devaluation
IS abuse. ALL narcissists idealize and then devalue.
This is THE core of pathological narcissism. The narcissist exploits,
lies, insults, demeans, ignores (the "silent treatment"), manipulates,
controls. All these are forms of abuse. " ~ by Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.
The narcissist has to be NUMBER
ONE, the CENTER OF ATTENTION, THE
BIG CHEESE, the MAIN ATTRACTION. If he is
in a situation where he fears not getting the adulation that he feels
he deserves, such as with your friends or
co-workers, or even in a club that you frequent
(translation: your territory), he will be extremely uncomfortable,
either claiming a headache, feeling 'bad vibes' in the place, or simply
getting angry. He may insult or dismiss everyone there as 'substandard
human beings'. A narcissist cannot share his limelight with anyone, not
even his spouse.
It is especially hard to let go of a
relationship breakdown when you can't find any rhyme or reason to the
way it all unfolded. We think that all people are good people and can't
understand how someone could so easily just dismiss us as if we never
Truth is, you
didn't exist to the narcissist. He is so totally
and completely self-centered to the point of his being the only person
in his life - ever. You simply were a temporary
ego-boost. A narcissist supplier (an enforcer and validator of his
self-love). His mirror.
You were taken in by his phony charm
simply because you trusted men. And now you are left with doubts,
insecurities, questions, and extreme hurt that one you cared for could
so easily 'dismiss you' and then walk away completely unmoved and
untouched by the experience.
You want him to hurt, too. To show
sorrow. To feel remorse.
So that you can feel important again.
Like you mattered.
But you didn't.
And it has nothing to do with you. He simply is unable to care for
anyone other than himself, no matter whom they are. And deep inside you
know that you have just wasted years of your life on someone who is an
empty fraud. It's like you imagined everything; nothing was real. He
was a masterful actor when he was getting his ego fed; but now that he
is not getting his narcissistic supply from you anymore he simply - and
completely - has totally erased you from his life. It is important to
remember that narcissists are 'plotters' and he has been plotting the
destruction of the relationship since the very first moment his
charming, but fake persona met you.
Expect your world to fall apart
whereas his world will remain unscathed - as will his emotions. OOPS,
pardon me, I made a mistake! Make that "his 'lack of' emotions".
Narcissistic men haven't any empathy for others, and will never take
any direct responsibility for any pain they may have caused. They will
never acknowledge their wrongdoings, or apologize to you, because they
truly believe themselves to be perfect. They project
all their faults and flaws onto you, accusing you of the very things
that they, themselves, are guilty of.
In fact, throughout your entire
relationship, you probably were lead to believe that you were the
problem when in actuality it was their narcissism that was at fault.
You have subconsciously learned to take his attacks personally, because
he is so very good at manipulating the people around him.
Narcissistic and histrionic men play
on the fact that most of us are trusting
and forgiving, and that we want
to believe in them.
Narcissists are all about their
image, and they spend an inordinate amount of time perfecting their
false front, or their 'image'. He's forever aware of his impression on
people, and he knows exactly what 'face' to put on to draw people into
his 'magical circle' of followers - all with the intent to enhance his
Whatever his career, special talent,
or gift may be he will spend days, weeks, months, YEARS perfecting it.
If he is a lawyer there is no winning a legal argument against him. If
he is a musician he will practice the same tune over and over again,
each time trying to make it even more perfect than the time before. If
he is a doctor he will try to out-diagnose all his colleagues. If he is
a salesman, he will read every book on the market on the art of sales. Perfecting
his persona for the sole purpose of gaining admiration is the only
thing he holds important, and the only reward he needs.
He is an expert at even fooling
himself into thinking he is larger than life and, unfortunately, the
more positive the feedback he receives, the more trapped in his mirror
he becomes. He would rather have adoration
from complete strangers than a deep meaningful relationship with a
loving partner. His image is superficial
and covers up his complete lack of inner awareness. He is, quite
simply, an expert fake, forever on the search for a true acceptance,
but never daring enough to show his 'real self' for fear of not
The sad thing is, because he feels he
is loved for his fake front, he never truly feels loved for his real
self, and this just further enables and encourages his narcissism.
The narcissistic mate displays many
typical psychopathic characteristics. He may have falsely displayed
deep emotion toward you (when he was in your good graces). In reality,
he was less concerned with you than with making himself look good. In
the romance department, a narcissist or a histrionic man has an uncanny
ability to gain your trust and affection quickly, disarming you with
his charm (i.e., "What a beautiful necklace; you have such excellent
taste in jewelry") and captivating you with his
many grandiose plans (i.e., "I'm getting the old band together
and we are going to tour Europe"). If he
cheats on you you'll probably find forgiveness for him - maybe even
blame yourself for his infidelities - but one day when you've had
enough, he'll leave you with nothing but the breath-taking epiphany
that your whole life with him has been a lie. He'll also,
most likely, leave you with an empty pocketbook, too. Of
course, by this time he'll already have a new 'sucker' under his wing,
and could care less what he has done to you.
Yes, living with, loving and leaving
a narcissistic man is an experience unlike any other! You are left
deeply confused and weakened by the abuse.
narcissist was mad at me every single day. In fact, I can't remember
even one day that he wasn't angry, grudgeful, judgmental, and
He wants you to pay for his inner
pain, and he will do everything in his power to punish you and push you
over the brink. Your mind can't rationalize that these men are not
'normal', and so it tries to make sense of their behavior.
Yet, the narcissistic ex continually
acts in abusive, bewildering and confusing ways. He is not above
committing destructive acts. When the breakup becomes a reality, it is
likely that his 'false persona' will completely disappear all together
and you will most likely experience the most hurtful of behavior from
him. He is completely lacking in empathy, and - since he is not
receiving any admiration from you anymore - he will dismiss you and
discard you as worthless to him, consequently dropping any fake front
that he use to put up in order to keep you in the relationship.
particularly shameless during a divorce. They accuse the other spouse
of neglecting the children when the reverse is true. They hide their
assets long before the formal divorce proceedings begin. They lie about
their net worth so they don't have to part with alimony or child
support. Some narcissists, both male and female, abandon their families
all together and start new lives with more attractive, adoring and
compliant partners. Leaving the previous spouse and children
in a state of financial and psychological chaos is of no consequence to
them. Many narcissists repeat these egregious patterns of
behavior throughout their lives without shame or regret." ~ Linda
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