The Narcissist SUCKS & Destroys Lives
Who Else But a Narcissist Can Make You Feel So CRAZY?
Contributed to by Tigress Luv and by other readers
ON BEHALF OF A NARCISSIST'S EX - SOME LETTERS
WE HAVE RECEIVED
A Narcissist in the Mist
It seems like my whole life I have been alone,
trying desperately to be liked and loved, but never quite reaching that goal.
Every one of my relationships were based on me wondering why my man didn't
love me, didn't talk to me, didn't share any romance or kindness towards
me. Instead it seems like every man in my life was abusive towards me...like
they weren't going to be happy until I was beaten and shattered and brought
to my knees.
I have spent years looking at other women and
feeling the stabs of envy as their men cherished them and treated them like
queens. Why couldn't a man treat me that way? Was it something I did? Was
it something I lacked? Was I just not lovable - not even likable? Was I too
smart - or too stupid? Was I not sexy enough, or charming enough? Was I not
soft and vulnerable enough? Did I cook wrong or was I bad in bed? Was my
waist too thick or my legs too long? What was it about me that made men abuse
me, neglect me, and use me? And then justify their lack of love if I reacted
to their mistreatment negatively?
What was I doing wrong? Or not doing right?
I was faithful. A loving mother. A supportive mate. Did I maybe put too many
people before me?
Does being selfish make one lovable, and does
being sacrificial turn men against you?
I often wonder about this as I look at the women
in this world who seem to have it all. I see mean, selfish, catty, self-focused,
uncompassionate, unappreciative women all around me - and they have every
man in the world throwing themselves at their feet. (Unlike me) these are
women who are only out for themselves. (Unlike me) these are heartless women
who can watch the news and not cry. (Unlike me) they can say 'no' when someone
asks for their help, and they can spend their money on themselves and not
on the bills.
As the years passed the men in my life grew
even more mean and more cruel to me. I can't recall any man in my life - ever -
that was good to me... well, past the 'fake' courting stage anyway. They
were all cruel, insulting, cold, unfaithful, vicious, mean, and selfish.
They withheld their time and attention and affection from me. They withheld
love, or gave me the silent treatment or the cold-shoulder … or they
just came right out and hit me or kicked me.
Breaking up with a histrionic narcissist? Be prepared for the battle
of your life! While you are an emotional basketcase, he is as Cold as Ice!
While you are left holding down the fort and dealing with the real-life
responsibilities, he walks away from everything leaving you to mop off
his stage and pay his bills. He will punish you in ways you couldn't possibly
have ever imagined...
even acknowledge it to himself! Why? Because he's off charming the socks
off of new women as if your years together didn't even
ex continually acts in abusive, bewildering and confusing ways. He is
not above committing destructive acts. When the breakup becomes a reality,
it is likely that his 'false persona' will completely disappear all together
and you will most likely experience the most hurtful of behavior from him.
He is completely lacking in empathy, and - since he is not receiving any
admiration from you anymore - he will dismiss you and discard you as
worthless to him, consequently dropping any fake front that he use to put
up in order to keep you in the relationship. Click here to join us at our 'Breaking Up & Dealing With
a Narcissist' community brought to you by Tigress Luv
Most all - no make that 'all' - were verbally
and emotionally abusive to me. They called me a 'joke' and even 'evil'. My
own father once called me a 'cunt'. They didn't give me presents or jewelry,
or take me out on a loving, romantic date. There were no 'Valentine's Day'
surprises for me, or little love letters left out anywhere. No man planned
an elaborate marriage proposal or got up on stage and sang me a song. There
were no Christmas gifts under the tree; not even a card.
Eventually it just became easier for me to say, "I don't believe in the whole 'gift' concept"; it was so much kinder
to my heart to know I wasn't going to receive anything at all than
to feel the shattering disappointment of realizing there was no gift waiting
for me when I was hoping for one.
I eventually closed my heart up, tight. I became
what appeared to be a cold-hearted, impenetrable and hardened women, but
in reality my cold heart and hardened exterior was just a facade - a facade
that hid a little girl who cried herself to sleep every night with tears
of loneliness and self-shame that sprung from inside her soul and never showed
on the outside for anyone to see. A person who feigned a dead heart - even
to herself. A dead heart couldn't feel any pain, right? A dead heart couldn't
hurt, right? A dead heart couldn't absorb the rejection and neglect my soul
had endured for 40+ years.
And then I met the narcissist. And I was fooled. Again. I thought finally - finally I have met a man who really loves me. Why? Because in the beginning I didn't know he was a narcissist. I had never met one before that I knew of. So I fell for the charm. And, oh, was he the charmer. A chameleon. A fake. A fraud. A phony. Everything he said or did was an act ... but I didn't know that then. So I opened my dead heart back up. And I rejoiced in feeling loved ... and in giving love once more.
Until he showed his true colors. Until he waved his Narcissist Flag. Until I realized I was just a meal ticket and a status symbol. But, by then, I had been completely cleaned out. My bank account was cleaned out. My house was cleaned out. My heart was cleaned out. My soul was CLEANED OUT. He devoured every inch of me and then just 'walked' away as if I were nothing.
He was off to feed on more fertile grounds...
...leaving me standing in his wasteland, holding the bill.
And I now see he was a phony coward who
just walked away from all his responsibilities and DUMPED THEM ALL ON ME...without
even a phone call or a look back. A performing flirt who was upset because being in
a relationship with me ruined his image with his fanfare - it meant he was
'taken', I guess. Who knows? Who cares? Well, I did. I couldn't believe that
he would just dump EVERYTHING on me! This is from a man I supported for years,
stood by, encouraged, loved, and tried to understand. A man who I took care
of in sickness and in health. Whose daily narcissistic rages and gaslighting I endured. Who I financed recording studios, limos, newspaper
ads, and whatever else he wanted; who I did artwork for and sacrificed spending
all my weekends lonely and alone because he was off trying to impress
A man who I drove to the hospital. Whose Western Duster
and cowboy hats I paid for. Who had to do absolutely nothing but sit around and
play computer ping pong games while I worked from dawn to midnight for.
I tell you, he faked loving me...for a while.
But it became so obvious that he was using me. One knows when they are loved.
And one knows when they are NOT loved. For instance, I bought him a camera - yet he never ONCE
took a picture of me. However, our garage was FULL of boxes of pictures of his
ex! He wrote hundreds of songs (lots for her) - he never once wrote one for
me...he never even sang one for me (yet he was a singer/songwriter by trade)!
I was left so devastated. The beguiled had become the sadly disenchanted. I thought I had experienced
what it felt like to be really loved by a man, but, instead, what I experienced was what it felt like to be really used by one. My redeemer turned out to be a
fraud. A fake. A man who slept in a chair every night just to avoid being
by me. A freeloader. A man who never loved me. A man who left me to shoulder
the weight of the world all by myself. TLC? A word I have never experienced
or been on the receiving end of. I was the one who had to be strong, who
had to take care of business, who had to keep everybody's head above water.
But who held up mine?
And I was easily fooled by a narcissist who
was trained in devouring women like me. Women who desperately want to believe
that a real love can exist for her. The fairy tale didn't come true. Prince
Charming was a fake and a phony. The other women get the good men. The good
women get the shaft.
He left me the shaft. Oh, he managed to take
his toys, camera, recording instruments, dusters, boots, hats, guitars, cd's, jewelry, even the wedding
band I had bought him AND the engagement ring I had to buy for myself - but he left the bills and responsibilities for me.
What a nice man. What a slap in the face that is to me.
Why am I writing this, you may ask? I will get
to that in a bit, but first just let me get a few things off my burdened
soul. Because this is about something that I am observing lately... something
that people keep telling me about... and something that I can do NOTHING
....the way narcissists use and manipulate people.
I can't stand a narcissist who uses a woman for
the chance of advancing himself, partnering in her business, financing his dream, going on a vacation via her pocketbook,
or the status of the delusion of being a star (even if it's in a bar). I can't stand a narcissist
who is able to buy everybody a drink because he walked out on his
own bills from the last woman he was fake with and used. I can't stand a
narcissist who has to flirt with, touch and pour on 'phony' charm to every
female he sees in order to feel good about himself.
I can't stand those fake tears that narcissists
can turn on in public in the blink of an eye, yet bear no conscience once
out of sight of bystanders. I can't stand a narcissist who fakes being a
sensitive man when he has never experienced human compunction, guilt, shame
or a sense of wrong over anything he has ever done; when the only tears he
has ever shed were for himself.
I can't stand a fake man who only wants to be
more of a narcissist by using women, rather
than being a real man and treating women right, even after - by means of
intimacy - she unveils his mask.
However, I do feel sorry for a man who has to
constantly wear a mask to feel lovable; it must be exhausting for him to
forever be aware of the 'impression' he makes when that impression is a feigned
one. It must be scary to constantly feel the need to 'impress' and be 'adored'
to feel good about oneself. It must be totally consuming to 'fake' compassion
for, or 'impersonate' a real, feeling and sympathetic person to a woman who
tells him her story of her ex troubles - especially when he was more evil
to his own exes than her ex could ever have been to her.
Trust me, he doesn't care about her story. He
doesn't care about her burdens. He doesn't feel compassion. He only wants the status and the ego. The public image of
a man. He's not a 'bad' person inside - it's just that he's not 'anything'
inside. He is an ebony cavity encased in a pearly shell - an empty hole in
a pretty, bejewelled case. A nicely wrapped gift box that is devoid of any
offerings once unwrapped.
I think in this sorry case of my narcissist (now, thank God, my ex), the real man inside him died the minute
he put a 'lookie-at-me' musical instrument in his hands as a youth... from that pivoting
moment on he became an image of a man and nothing else. He spent the rest
of his life perfecting and developing his outer image, but in the interim
he abandoned his inner soul. From then on he became a heartless, loveless
fabricated public image who could fake the appearance of just the opposite.
So you must feel sorry for somebody who can only feel loved by presenting
a false image - someone who so fears that their real self is so flawed that
it must be killed off and that adoration is only to be had through making
people love their well-rehearsed 'false' front.
And one must also feel sorry for a narcissist
who spends his every waking minute 'perfecting' his misrepresented and fabricated
public image. It's all about status and appearances and gaining love through
these means. The narcissist' entire ego is based in this false identity.
What a turd machine. May the evil spirits that
haunt the narcissist follow him to the end of time and never give him rest.
He is a sad example of the waste that eats away at women's gentle and trusting
innocence. (OK, haha, I feel better now having wrote that!)
Please pray for all the unsuspecting, gentle
women who want to believe in this man.
(So, for all those dozens and dozens of people
who think it is their job to tell me about the narcissist's latest escapades,
please laugh at him without me. I feel no need to feign humor in the sadness
of the situation, nor do I really want to hear the evil name spoken ANYMORE. Tis not my reason for being ANYMORE, so please gossip
and bemuse yourselves without me. I am NOT involved in that fiasco ANYMORE, and have so moved on from his theatrical charades. Sorry,
no offense meant, but please do not speak of this evil name out loud anywhere near me ANYMORE. Please do not email me with the latest, and please do
not leave me a text message.)
I have spent too long a time trying to recover from this sham of my heart.
I have suffered self-effacement and the humiliation of considering myself
wise while being made a fool of at the same time. I believed in the facade,
the 'semblance' of a real man.
Remember the narcissist is a self-serving coward who will dump all his debts and responsibilities on a woman (in my case, a disabled, ailing
woman who was going through menopause and a family crisis - two mortgages,
three car payments, seven dogs, and the IRS [plus much, much more!]) - and then
have the nerve to strut around town like the 'damaged' hero. The narcissist
is an evil sociopath who has no conscience and who uses women for his own
advancement ... that is the only attraction he has for women
- to stroke his narcissistic ego, to buy him toys, and to pay his way.
See a narcissist will suck the life out of you
until you have nothing else left to give him - nothing else left that will
enhance his 'image' or 'advance' him and his status, and then he will walk
away from his own self-created bills, leaving you in financial ruin or dumping
all his and/or the family as a whole, bills squarely on your back to pay
... and if you can't or you don't then he will pretend to remain blameless
and victimized, claiming that 'you' ruined his 'name' or stole his 'identity',
or that you were a greedy and materialistic woman that had to have stairmasters,
or Lexus', or big screen tv's.
And what about the rest of us? Well, we pay those bills - some
of us pay them forever, others of us just 'wake up' one day and ask ourselves
why the hell we are being punished for being a fool - and we stop mopping
off his stage after his show. This is an M.O. that the narcissist repeats
throughout his life, though, often leaving his exes either in financial ruin,
or saddled and burdened with ALL their mutually-created bills or his own self-created
debts. That's why a narcissist often never argues over who gets the property
from his marriage. Because he knows deep inside that he never paid for any
of it. She can have the house, the car, the furniture... he knows that these
are hers anyway because he cowardly walked away and dumped all the financial
responsibility for everything directly onto her. As if walking away somehow
abolished him from being a responsible man and owning up to his share.
And the narcissist cares nothing about the burden
his selfishness and hungry ego puts on his past mates. Saddling her with
his mess is of no consequence to him. He has not the capability of feeling
empathy or concern for his victims, and can convince himself that he is perfect
and totally blameless.
People like me? I care for others; I love strong
and deeply, and sometimes blindly. I have compassion and empathy for others
... sometimes my altruistic nature runs so strong that I can't bear to watch
the news. But a narcissist ONLY cares about how much people 'like' him and
how he 'looks' (translation: the 'image' he projects). Narcissists
are greedy, malevolent, mean, selfish, spiteful, unkind and self-absorbed
people who masquerade as just the opposite (they are excellent
actors). People like me, well we get used a lot, yes. I have listened
to hard luck stories and have paid people's rents, utilities, gave them
'hand-outs'. Yes, compassionate, loving, caring and empathetic people get
used, and narcissists prey on these types of people; like a vampire they
suck them dry.
I admit it - I was had, and I do not wish to
keep being reminded of it. I paid my price (trust me!). Everything I (and
other mentally healthy people) spend money on has to do with human survival
and responsibilities. Everything the narcissist spends money on has to do
with his 'impression' ... i.e., how he 'looks', how he 'sounds', etc. It's
all about him setting his stage (his fake 'impression') while he uses the
rest of us to mop it off for him (pay his real bills).
The man is simply an 'image'. There's nothing
else in there.
Read Daily Inspirations for those Recovering from a Narcissist and get the ebook, Counterfeit Heart: Living With, Loving and Leaving a Narcissist, and the ebook, How to Break Free From Their Spell with it.
But would you help me out with something.
I have broken up with the sociopath. He doesnt live far from me, and flaunts
his new conquest in my face. I shouldnt phrase it like that because I really
dont care who he is with. I know what she has and I dont want it. Why, why
is he so hell bent on trying to hurt me? Why am I the enemy? He tells people
how he has "come back" financially since our breakup. And from the outside
looking in. He has. But he stepped all over ME to get there. This man didnt
have a pot to piss in, let alone a window to throw it out of. I have moved
on and am trying to rebuild my life, financially and emotionally. He tells
people how crazy I am, and how he could never have anything while he was
with me. Okay, fine, more lies. But he also says that he is going to see
me behind bars in jail. I have to tell you that whoever this man talks to
HE is believed. Why does he want to send me to jail? Why does he want to
destroy me? Why am I the enemy and those people who really used him and never
gave a damn about him, does he give the appearance (because I know NOTHING
is real with him) that he would damn near lay down his life for them?
I went to your website and have been searching
websites trying to find the answer to this question. I know it is nothing
that I have done. But is there something that I can do. I can't leave town
because I have a child that has another year and half in high school. Please
help me or refer me to where I can find the answers. I got the book about
sociopaths from the library it helped but did not answer the
I am feeling pretty desperate because everything
that this sick crazy man has tried to do to me, he has been successful. No
matter how outrageous the lies told against me were.
Wow, you sound like an exact ditto of me - only
I did take my daughter (who had one year of high school left) and moved to
another town. SHE LOVES IT !!!
I know how much it hurts to be made to look
like the bad guy, when the absolute opposite is the truth. Just remember
that everything about a narcissist is an accumulation of his lifelong study
of how to fool people...yes, he can easily fool these people BUT it is because
he has made it his life-priority to learn how to manipulate people. And people
can easily be manipulated by such a pro. Hell, even you were fooled by him
(in the beginning), right? That is his job. In order to be a narcissist he
must convince people to believe in a falsehood - and he is the
If the narcissist is going so out of his way
to manipulate people against you and to make you look so bad it is only because
he knows deep inside that you are BETTER than him - and this he can't have!
NOBODY can be better than him, so he must somehow devalue you in order to
'revalue' himself and let go of you. He needs to save face, and he can't
do that if he turns out looking like the bad guy. Unfortunately a narcissist
sees a relationship as a 'competition' or a 'battle'. When the relationship
is over, it's not a mutual break to him, but a ceasefire - so now there must
be a 'winner' and a 'loser'....and the narcissist will NEVER be a 'loser'
so he must demonize you in order to emerge the victor. It's all a sick game
with him, and you must actually feel sorry for a man that is that empty inside
that only his 'impression' on others is real to him.
Thank you for your letter. May I post it? It
is very helpful to let others know that they are not alone in how they
"OMG!! Thank you soooo much for getting back
to me this quickly. It feels sooo good to know that there are people out
there who UNDERSTAND and who care. YES you may post my letter, if it helps
ANYONE my insides will be filled with emense joy!
I'm a 46 year old pile of discarded
tears. Old, unwanted. unworthy.
I took a ten year break after my ten year marriage to devote to raising my
daughter and healing from the pain inflicted by an alcoholic husband so as
not to bring any baggage to a new relationship.
I finally opened up in November of 2008 and went on Eharmony and found the
"man of my dreams" and we met and dated for just short of a year.
I was dumped on 11/17/09 by my boyfriend (who lives with his parents when
not out to sea every other six weeks). He lived 2 hours away from me and
I visited almost every weekend when he was home, which wasn't really too
much for six months. I was never introduced to any friends, but always given
great stories about them and how we would go visit them all someday.
The first 8 mos of the relationship was a dream, then he lost his job and
re-took up a crack habit which he says was only temporary. He found a local
job, but his mood swings were out of control. At the time I thought it was
the drugs. I made the mistake of having a conversation with his mother for
guidance which she used in November to prove to him I went behind his back,
except she told him it was in a backstabbing way, not in a guidance way to
help the man you love. Who do you think he believed? His mother had some
sort of mental condition and once she decided she hated me, I was out within
a 3 week span. He seemed like he was getting his life back on track and got
clean in October, but then his mom became a problem, I think that is when
she started in on the stories about me, which drove him to escape again.
I think he backed me up for a short while, then it became easier to just
let me go so he wouldnt have to keep dealing with her. So much for love and
fierce loyalty that I was promised.
When I described all this to a girlfriend of mine, she told me he was
a "narcissist". When I recently saw something that directed me to your website
at Lifted Hearts, I did not know what a narcissist was. When I read all your
informative articles on there, the ones that seemed to describe him to a
"T" with all his grandiose talk and adulation of me in the beginning, and
then the verbal abuse and rages I endured (most times instigated by his mother
toward me), losing all sense of myself, walking on eggshells, and taking
the blame and apologizing for things I had no idea I was apologizing for,
it helped me understand how he was able to dump me cold and never speak to
me again. It hasn't helped me get over him, but it has helped me try to begin
to understand that it was not necessarily all my fault. Even though he blamed
Unfortunately, I did the phone calls begging, and crying , and texts and
emails, really in an attempt to just get him to explain to me why, because
he completely ostracized me. But no, he doesn't miss me, and certainly now
that I've been dubbed a psycho and a stalker (I went up there ONCE) he certainly
won't ever take me back. It was not really to take me back, I was just trying
go get an answer. After a year of daily talking and texting, the silence
has been deafening. I keep waiting for someone to extract the feeling of
a knife in my chest, and the constant huge lump in my throat, and pain in
the pit of my stomach, as I can barely breathe. On Dec 3 he called on the
request of my daughter and said we could be on a break and work on things
in a while, but then he blocked my number 1 week later (after a drunk night
of crying messages left on his voice mail!! nicely done on my part huh?)
On Dec 23 I left a very nice voicemail wishing him and his family a merry
christmas, even tho I would really like to shove a car up his mother's butt
for the constant maligning me behind my back, and he called me back to tell
me to "move on and stop all this." Last week he sent a picture to my phone
of him and another girl......i'm guessing to "help" me with my letting go,
when all it did was rip me to shreds all over again. He's 50 - never married.
Long story short, its been eight weeks of hell and daily crying walking
around like a zombie. I'm guessing your "Reverse your Break Up - 15 Ways
to Win your Ex Back" does not apply if you were dumped by a Narcissist. I
know I shouldn't want him back, but I do, and I feel pathetic for saying
it . I know he's been sadistically cold and horrible. I just want the guy
back that swept me off my feet for 8 months that I had never experienced
before. He could certainly talk the talk. We were supposed to elope at Christmas,
and our 1st meeting anniversary is next weekend. I know. I know. I'm wallowing.
I keep trying to educate myself on your site. Thanks for having it all up
Hello, Dame1888. Oh my, typical narcissist!!!! The ostracizing, the complete
'about-face' in caring for you (they can go from loving you to hating you
in a split second). You can read some articles on narcissistic men here at
the site ...
Please know that when you said "I just want the guy back that swept me
off my feet..." that you may not be aware of the fact that the man you
remember (the one who swept you off your feet) was never real. What you
experienced was the narcissist's fake personality - the fake personality
that the 'new woman' is most likely seeing now. You were in love with a persona
- a semblance - of a person; he, himself, was never real. It isn't him that
you want back, because 'he' is a jerk. It was the man he 'pretended' to be
that you love and miss, and want back; a man that really NEVER existed.
May I please post your email on the site so that others may read it and not
feel so alone? It would be very much appreciated.
Best wishes, and please try to stop thinking about him. He truly wasn't 'real',
but merely an 'act' that the narcissist put on in order to gain your admiration
and feed their hungry 'ego'.
I didn't expect such a quick response.
Wow. You're good!! Sure, I guess you can post it. I used to be such a toughie,
could handle anything thrown my way. I just feel like such a fool and showing
everyone else that I am too won't make me feel much better. If I didn't have
a job to make me get out of bed every morning, and a daughter to try to avoid
letting me fall apart 24/7, I don't think I would even be online looking
And you're right, the ostracizing is the worst pain and punishment anyone
can try to endure. I've never felt this kind of pain. Not even after my divorce
and several relationships before that. This is just heartwrenching. Total
denial of my existence. I just can't get past the crying stage. And I see
how I fit right into his scheme; my father has always been controlling and
a child abuser, my mother was submissive and went to her grave early because
of it, my older brother was an abuser, my ex husband was an alcoholic which
I endured for years. I am a woman that loves to much, or so I found out when
another friend referred me to this site to avoid the lonliness and fear of
being left alone and have no worthiness of love, due to the outcomes of all
relationships with men. So of course, I thought I could put up with any way
he treated me, cuz I've been there done that. What a waste of a year. I did
everything for him. He was the reason for my happiness, which I know is also
apparently unhealthy! Jeez.
So why don't you start a dating site from all the rejected good people on
your site that really just want to be in a loving committed relationship
with open honest communication.
In parting I would like to add that I have moved on - and far,
far away. No need for the drama, or to witness his fake, flirtatious
persona permeate through that town like a plague. After a lifelong history
of one abusive relationship after another, after being lonely my whole life
- I was seduced into giving 'man' one more try. What a fool I was. During my years with the narcissist I was emotionally battered, insulted,
segregated from his life, denied affection, belittled, ostracized, ignored,
ridiculed, snubbed, made to suffer through unwarranted cruelty and loneliness,
degraded, disregarded, demeaned, mocked, dishonored, forgotten, demonized,
shut out, bashed, treated like a 'rival', discounted, minimized, humiliated
by his flagrant flirting with others, neglected and lied to (and lied about!)
by a narcissist who could mask the face of Jesus Christ and lead people like
a Pied Piper straight to Hell. Thus is the facade of a narcissist. Thus was
my life; a nightmare that I am now just recovering from.
I have exorcised his evil remains from my being
and moved on to a pure life where no man will ever abuse me again. I cannot
get back all those years I lost faithfully loving a 'false god', but I now
wish to put this empty, evil-being from my past as far behind me as humanly
For more information on surviving a narcissist read my digital report about my own, ten-year experience of living with a narcissist here, at my narcissist advice website, BreakingUpWithYourNarcisist.com
(Join Tigress Luv's 'breaking up with a narcissist' online support group now, and get all her reports on the narcissistic-ex FREE!)
The Break Up Guru, has been writing on breakups and
narcissism since the 1980's.
Visit her website at: http://www.tigressluv.com
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