It seems like my whole life I have been alone, trying desperately to be liked and loved, but never quite reaching that goal. Every one of my relationships were based on me wondering why my man didn't love me, didn't talk to me, didn't share any romance or kindness towards me. Instead it seems like every man in my life was abusive towards me...like they weren't going to be happy until I was beaten and shattered and brought to my knees.

I have spent years looking at other women and feeling the stabs of envy as their men cherished them and treated them like queens. Why couldn't a man treat me that way? Was it something I did? Was it something I lacked? Was I just not lovable - not even likable? Was I too smart - or too stupid? Was I not sexy enough, or charming enough? Was I not soft and vulnerable enough? Did I cook wrong or was I bad in bed? Was my waist too thick or my legs too long? What was it about me that made men abuse me, neglect me, and use me? And then justify their lack of love if I reacted to their mistreatment negatively?

What was I doing wrong? Or not doing right? I was faithful. A loving mother. A supportive mate. Did I maybe put too many people before me?

Does being selfish make one lovable, and does being sacrificial turn men against you?

I often wonder about this as I look at the women in this world who seem to have it all. I see mean, selfish, catty, self-focused, uncompassionate, unappreciative women all around me - and they have every man in the world throwing themselves at their feet. (Unlike me) these are women who are only out for themselves. (Unlike me) these are heartless women who can watch the news and not cry. (Unlike me) they can say 'no' when someone asks for their help, and they can spend their money on themselves and not on the bills.

As the years passed the men in my life grew even meaner and crueler to me. I can't recall any man in my life - ever - that was good to me... well, past the 'fake' courting stage anyway. They were all cruel, insulting, cold, unfaithful, vicious, mean, and selfish. They withheld their time and attention and affection from me. They withheld love, or gave me the silent treatment or the cold-shoulder … or they just came right out and hit me or kicked me.

Most all - no make that 'all' - were verbally and emotionally abusive to me. They called me a 'joke' and even 'evil'. My own father once called me a 'cunt'. They didn't give me presents or jewelry, or take me out on a loving, romantic date. There were no 'Valentine's Day' surprises for me, or little love letters left out anywhere. No man planned an elaborate marriage proposal or got up on stage and sang me a song. There were no Christmas gifts under the tree; not even a card.

Eventually it just became easier for me to say, "I don't believe in the whole 'gift' concept"; it was so much kinder to my heart to know I wasn't going to receive anything at all than to feel the shattering disappointment of realizing there was no gift waiting for me when I was hoping for one.

I eventually closed my heart up, tight. I became what appeared to be a cold-hearted, impenetrable and hardened women, but in reality my cold heart and hardened exterior was just a facade - a facade that hid a little girl who cried herself to sleep every night with tears of loneliness and self-shame that sprung from inside her soul and never showed on the outside for anyone to see. A person who feigned a dead heart - even to herself. A dead heart couldn't feel any pain, right? A dead heart couldn't hurt, right? A dead heart couldn't absorb the rejection and neglect my soul had endured for 50+ years.

And now - well, it is a phony coward who could just walk away from all his responsibilities and DUMP IT ALL ON ME...without even a phone call or a look back. A flirt who was upset because being in a relationship with me ruined his image with his fanfare - it meant he was 'taken', I guess. Who knows? Who cares? Well, I do. I can't believe that he would just dump EVERYTHING on me! This is from a man I supported for years, stood by, encouraged, loved, and tried to understand. A man who I took care of in sickness and in health. Who I financed recording studios, limos, newspaper ads, and whatever else he wanted; who I did artwork for and sacrificed spending all my weekends lonely and alone because he was off trying to impress others.

A man who I drove to the hospital. Whose duster and hats I paid for. Who had to do absolutely nothing but sit around and play computer ping pong games while I worked from dawn to midnight for.

I tell you, he faked loving me...for awhile. But it became so obvious that he was using me. One knows when they are loved. And one knows when they are NOT loved. I bought him a camera - he never ONCE took a picture of me. Yet our garage was FULL of boxes of pictures of his ex! He wrote hundreds of songs (lots for her) - he never once wrote one for me...he never even sang one for me!

But I am so sad. I thought I had experienced what it felt like to really be loved by a man. But he turned out to be a fraud. A fake. A man who slept in a chair every night just to avoid being by me. A freeloader. A man who never loved me. A man who left me to shoulder the weight of the world all by myself. TLC? A word I have never experienced or been on the receiving end of. I was the one who had to be strong, who had to take care of business, who had to keep everybody's head above water. But who held up mine?

And I was easily fooled by a narcissist who was trained in devouring women like me. Women who desperately want to believe that a real love can exist for her. The fairy tale didn't come true. Prince Charming was a fake and a phony. The other women get the good men. The good women get the shaft.

He left me the shaft. Oh, he managed to take his toys, camera, recording instruments, duster, boots, hats, even the wedding band I had bought him - but he left the bills and responsibilities for me. What a nice man. What a slap in the face that is to me.

Why am I writing this, you may ask? I will get to that in a bit, but first just let me get a few things off my burdened soul. Because this is about something that I am observing lately... something that people keep telling me about... and something that I can do NOTHING about...

I can't stand narcissists who use women for the chance of owning a (her) club, going on a vacation via her pocketbook, or the status of the delusion of being a star in a bar. I can't stand narcissists who are able to download itunes by the scores because he walked out on his own bills from the last woman he was fake with and used. I can't stand a narcissist who has to flirt with, touch and pour on 'phony' charm to every female he sees in order to feel good about himself (for more read the article, For the Narcissist, Image is Reality).

I can't stand those fake tears that narcissists can turn on in public in the blink of an eye, yet bear no conscience once out of sight of bystanders. I can't stand a narcissist who fakes being a sensitive man when he has never experienced human compunction, guilt, shame or a sense of wrong over anything he has ever done; when the only tears he has ever shed were for himself.

I can't stand a fake man who only wants to be more of a narcissist by owning a club or continuing his fake show, rather than being a real man and treating women right, even after - by means of intimacy - she unveils his mask.

However, I do feel sorry for a man who has to constantly wear a mask to feel lovable; it must be exhausting for him to forever be aware of the 'impression' he makes when that impression is a feigned one. It must be scary to constantly feel the need to 'impress' and be 'adored' to feel good about oneself. It must be totally consuming to 'fake' compassion for, or 'impersonate' a real, feeling and sympathetic person to a woman who tells him her story of her ex troubles - especially when he was more evil to his own exes than her ex could ever have been to her.

Trust me, he doesn't care about her story. He doesn't care about her burdens. He doesn't feel compassion. (For more info on this read the article, The Narcissist's Fake Empathy - How to Free Yourself From Its Grip). He only wants the status and the ego. The public image of a man. He's not a 'bad' person inside - it's just that he's not 'anything' inside. He is an ebony cavity encased in a pearly shell - an empty hole in a pretty, bejewelled case. A nicely wrapped gift box that is devoid of any offerings once unwrapped.

I think in this sorry case, the real man inside him died the minute he put a 'lookie-me' instrument in his hands as a youth... from that pivoting moment on he became an image of a man and nothing else. He spent the rest of his life perfecting and developing his outer image, but in the interim he abandoned his inner soul. From then on he became a heartless, loveless fabricated public image who could fake the appearance of just the opposite. So you must feel sorry for somebody who can only feel loved by presenting a false image - someone who so fears that their real self is so flawed that it must be killed off and that adoration is only to be had through making people love their well-rehearsed 'false' front.

And one must also feel sorry for a narcissist who spends his every waking minute 'perfecting' his misrepresented and fabricated public image. It's all about status and appearances and gaining love through these means. The narcissist' entire ego is based in this false identity.

What a turd machine. May the evil spirits that haunt the narcissist follow him to the end of time and never give him rest. He is a sad example of the waste that eats away at women's gentle and trusting innocence.

Please pray for all the unsuspecting, gentle women who want to believe in this man.

So, for all those dozens and dozens of people who think it is their job to tell me about the narcissist's latest escapades, please laugh at him without me. I feel no need to feign humor in the sadness of the situation, nor do I really want to hear the evil name spoken ANYMORE. Tis not my reason for being ANYMORE, so please gossip and bemuse yourselves without me. I am NOT involved in that fiasco ANYMORE, and have so moved on from his theatrical charades. Sorry, no offense meant, but please do not speak of this evil name out loud by me ANYMORE. Please do not email me with the latest, and please do not leave me a text message.

I have spent too long a time trying to recover from this sham of my heart. I have suffered self-effacement and the humiliation of considering myself wise while being made a fool of at the same time. I believed in the facade, the 'semblance' of a real man.

Remember this is a self-serving, narcissistic coward who dumped all his debts and responsibilities on a disabled, ailing woman who was going through menopause and a family crisis - two mortgages, three car payments, seven dogs, and the IRS (plus much, much more!) - bought himself a Hawaiian shirt and custom-made ball cap ... and then had the nerve to strut around town like the 'damaged' hero. The narcissist is an evil sociopath who has no conscience and who uses women for his own advancement ... that is the only attraction he has for women - to stroke his narcissistic ego, to buy him toys, and to pay his way.

See a narcissist will suck the life out of you until you have nothing else left to give him - nothing else left that will enhance his 'image' or 'advance' him and his status, and then he will walk away from his own self-created bills, leaving you in financial ruin or dumping all his and/or the family as a whole, bills squarely on your back to pay ... and if you can't or you don't then he will pretend to remain blameless and victimized, claiming that 'you' ruined his 'name' or stole his 'identity', or that you were a greedy and materialistic woman that had to have stairmasters, or Lexus', or big screen tv's.

People like me? Well, we pay those bills - some of us pay them forever, others of us just 'wake up' one day and ask ourselves why the hell we are being punished for being a fool - and we stop mopping off his stage after his show. This is an M.O. that the narcissist repeats throughout his life, though, often leaving his exes either in financial ruin, or saddled and burdened with their mutually-created bills or his own self-created debts. That's why a narcissist often never argues over who gets the property from his marriage. Because he knows deep inside that he never paid for any of it. She can have the house, the car, the furniture... he knows that these are hers anyway because he cowardly walked away and dumped all the financial responsibility for everything directly onto her. As if walking away somehow abolished him from being a responsible man and owning up to his share.

And the narcissist cares nothing about the burden his selfishness and hungry ego puts on his past mates. Saddling her with his mess is of no consequence to him. He has not the capability of feeling empathy or concern for his victims, and can convince himself that he is perfect and totally blameless.

People like me? I care for others; I love strong and deeply, and sometimes blindly. I have compassion and empathy for others ... sometimes my altruistic nature runs so strong that I can't bear to watch the news. But a narcissist ONLY cares about how much people 'like' him and how he 'looks' (translation: the 'image' he projects). Narcissists are greedy, malevolent, mean, selfish, spiteful, unkind and self-absorbed people who masquerade as just the opposite (they are excellent actors). People like me, well we get used a lot, yes. I have listened to hard luck stories and have paid people's rents, utilities, gave them 'hand-outs'. Yes, compassionate, loving, caring and empathetic people get used, and narcissists prey on these types of people; like a vampire they suck them dry.

I admit it - I was had, and I do not wish to keep being reminded of it. I paid my price (trust me!). Everything I (and other mentally healthy people) spend money on has to do with human survival and responsibilities. Everything the narcissist spends money on has to do with his 'impression' ... i.e., how he 'looks', how he 'sounds', etc. It's all about him setting his stage (his fake 'impression') while he uses the rest of us to mop it off for him (pay his real bills).

The man is simply an 'image'. There's nothing else in there.

Getting back to all my (?) well-meaning 'friends' ... if you are so concerned for 'her' tell her to her face, and don't tell me behind her back. She has never been the kind to care for others (in my opinion) so why should others care about her? Let her learn on her own, or tell her (not likely she will listen, though). As far as I am concerned they deserve each other; that is to say that they will be just fine if they don't worry about the other one 'stealing their thunder' (narcissists don't like to to share their 'limelight' - not even with their mates), or they don't clash on which one is more wonderful and gets more attention from their adoring public! So if you are so concerned about her well-being DON'T TELL ME! Tell her. She is vulnerable right now and ripe for the picking. I say let her get picked. He will spit her out, too, once she has lost her advantageous offerings or sees through his veil (narcissists don't like it when people find out that they have real faults and flaws - just like everybody else in this world does).

But maybe - first - he'll get that trip to New Zealand or His name on the biz deed - or a guaranteed marquee. Whatever his motive is, though, you can bet your last, hard-earned dollar that charming her is just his avenue there.

But as for me, please don't bother me with it. I have moved on - and far, far away. No need for the drama, or to witness his fake, flirtatious persona permeate through that town like a plague. After a lifelong history of one abusive relationship after another, after being lonely my whole life - I was seduced into giving 'man' one more try. What a fool I was. During my years with the narcissist I was emotionally battered, insulted, segregated from his life, denied affection, belittled, ostracized, ignored, ridiculed, snubbed, made to suffer through unwarranted cruelty and loneliness, degraded, disregarded, demeaned, mocked, dishonored, forgotten, demonized, shut out, bashed, treated like a 'rival', discounted, minimized, humiliated by his flagrant flirting with others, neglected and lied to (and lied about!) by a narcissist who could mask the face of Jesus Christ and lead people like a Pied Piper straight to Hell. Thus is the facade of a narcissist. Thus was my life; a nightmare that I am now just recovering from. So please leave me alone, and understand that I do not want to hear of the name of this void soul ever again.

I have exorcised his evil remains from my being and moved on to a pure life where no man will ever abuse me again. I cannot get back all those years I lost faithfully loving a 'false god', but I now wish to put this empty, evil-being from my past as far behind me as humanly possible and I cannot do this when you all feel it is your duty to keep me informed. I know you mean well, but you are only feeding the devil when you continuously speak his name.

Benihana, Chandler Hawaii - Where a Cracker & Co is just a backdrop for a breakfast that is used like a stage prop

"Tigress,

I don't have the money to purchase your book now, but soon as I am able I will. But would you help me out with something. I have broken up with the sociopath. He doesnt live far from me, and flaunts his new conquest in my face. I shouldnt phrase it like that because I really dont care who he is with. I know what she has and I dont want it. Why, why is he so hell bent on trying to hurt me? Why am I the enemy? He tells people how he has "come back" financially since our breakup. And from the outside looking in. He has. But he stepped all over ME to get there. This man didnt have a pot to piss in, let alone a window to throw it out of. I have moved on and am trying to rebuild my life, financially and emotionally. He tells people how crazy I am, and how he could never have anything while he was with me. Okay, fine, more lies. But he also says that he is going to see me behind bars in jail. I have to tell you that whoever this man talks to HE is believed. Why does he want to send me to jail? Why does he want to destroy me? Why am I the enemy and those people who really used him and never gave a damn about him, does he give the appearance (because I know NOTHING is real with him) that he would damn near lay down his life for them?

I went to your website and have been searching websites trying to find the answer to this question. I know it is nothing that I have done. But is there something that I can do. I can't leave town because I have a child that has another year and half in high school. Please help me or refer me to where I can find the answers. I got the book about sociopaths from the library it helped but did not answer the question.

I am feeling pretty desperate because everything that this sick crazy man has tried to do to me, he has been successful. No matter how outrageous the lies told against me were.

Please Help

Cassidy"

"Dear Cassidy,

Wow, you sound like an exact ditto of me - only I did take my daughter (who had one year of high school left) and moved to another town. SHE LOVES IT !!!

I know how much it hurts to be made to look like the bad guy, when the absolute opposite is the truth. Just remember that everything about a narcissist is an accumulation of his lifelong study of how to fool people...yes, he can easily fool these people BUT it is because he has made it his life-priority to learn how to manipulate people. And people can easily be manipulated by such a pro. Hell, even you were fooled by him (in the beginning), right? That is his job. In order to be a narcissist he must convince people to believe in a falsehood - and he is the falsehood.

If the narcissist is going so out of his way to manipulate people against you and to make you look so bad it is only because he knows deep inside that you are BETTER than him - and this he can't have! NOBODY can be better than him, so he must somehow devalue you in order to 'revalue' himself and let go of you. He needs to save face, and he can't do that if he turns out looking like the bad guy. Unfortunately a narcissist sees a relationship as a 'competition' or a 'battle'. When the relationship is over, it's not a mutual break to him, but a ceasefire - so now there must be a 'winner' and a 'loser'....and the narcissist will NEVER be a 'loser' so he must demonize you in order to emerge the victor. It's all a sick game with him, and you must actually feel sorry for a man that is that empty inside that only his 'impression' on others is real to him.

Thank you for your letter. May I post it? It is very helpful to let others know that they are not alone in how they feel.

T"

"OMG!! Thank you soooo much for getting back to me this quickly. It feels sooo good to know that there are people out there who UNDERSTAND and who care. YES you may post my letter, if it helps ANYONE my insides will be filled with emense joy!

Cassidy"

Dear Tigress,

I'm a 46 year old pile of discarded tears. Old, unwanted. unworthy.

I took a ten year break after my ten year marriage to devote to raising my daughter and healing from the pain inflicted by an alcoholic husband so as not to bring any baggage to a new relationship.

I finally opened up in November of 2008 and went on Eharmony and found the "man of my dreams" and we met and dated for just short of a year.

I was dumped on 11/17/09 by my boyfriend (who lives with his parents when not out to sea every other six weeks). He lived 2 hours away from me and I visited almost every weekend when he was home, which wasn't really too much for six months. I was never introduced to any friends, but always given great stories about them and how we would go visit them all someday.

The first 8 mos of the relationship was a dream, then he lost his job and re-took up a crack habit which he says was only temporary. He found a local job, but his mood swings were out of control. At the time I thought it was the drugs. I made the mistake of having a conversation with his mother for guidance which she used in November to prove to him I went behind his back, except she told him it was in a backstabbing way, not in a guidance way to help the man you love. Who do you think he believed? His mother had some sort of mental condition and once she decided she hated me, I was out within a 3 week span. He seemed like he was getting his life back on track and got clean in October, but then his mom became a problem, I think that is when she started in on the stories about me, which drove him to escape again. I think he backed me up for a short while, then it became easier to just let me go so he wouldnt have to keep dealing with her. So much for love and fierce loyalty that I was promised.

When I described all this to a girlfriend of mine, she told me he was a "narcissist". When I recently saw something that directed me to your website at Lifted Hearts, I did not know what a narcissist was. When I read all your informative articles on there, the ones that seemed to describe him to a "T" with all his grandiose talk and adulation of me in the beginning, and then the verbal abuse and rages I endured (most times instigated by his mother toward me), losing all sense of myself, walking on eggshells, and taking the blame and apologizing for things I had no idea I was apologizing for, it helped me understand how he was able to dump me cold and never speak to me again. It hasn't helped me get over him, but it has helped me try to begin to understand that it was not necessarily all my fault. Even though he blamed me.

Unfortunately, I did the phone calls begging, and crying , and texts and emails, really in an attempt to just get him to explain to me why, because he completely ostracized me. But no, he doesn't miss me, and certainly now that I've been dubbed a psycho and a stalker (I went up there ONCE) he certainly won't ever take me back. It was not really to take me back, I was just trying go get an answer. After a year of daily talking and texting, the silence has been deafening. I keep waiting for someone to extract the feeling of a knife in my chest, and the constant huge lump in my throat, and pain in the pit of my stomach, as I can barely breathe. On Dec 3 he called on the request of my daughter and said we could be on a break and work on things in a while, but then he blocked my number 1 week later (after a drunk night of crying messages left on his voice mail!! nicely done on my part huh?) On Dec 23 I left a very nice voicemail wishing him and his family a merry christmas, even tho I would really like to shove a car up his mother's butt for the constant maligning me behind my back, and he called me back to tell me to "move on and stop all this." Last week he sent a picture to my phone of him and another girl......i'm guessing to "help" me with my letting go, when all it did was rip me to shreds all over again. He's 50 - never married.

Long story short, its been eight weeks of hell and daily crying walking around like a zombie. I'm guessing your "Reverse your Break Up - 15 Ways to Win your Ex Back" does not apply if you were dumped by a Narcissist. I know I shouldn't want him back, but I do, and I feel pathetic for saying it . I know he's been sadistically cold and horrible. I just want the guy back that swept me off my feet for 8 months that I had never experienced before. He could certainly talk the talk. We were supposed to elope at Christmas, and our 1st meeting anniversary is next weekend. I know. I know. I'm wallowing. I keep trying to educate myself on your site. Thanks for having it all up there.

Thanks.

Dame1888

Hello, Dame1888. Oh my, typical narcissist!!!! The ostracizing, the complete 'about-face' in caring for you (they can go from loving you to hating you in a split second). You can read some articles on narcissistic men here at the site ...

Please know that when you said "I just want the guy back that swept me off my feet..." that you may not be aware of the fact that the man you remember (the one who swept you off your feet) was never real. What you experienced was the narcissist's fake personality - the fake personality that the 'new woman' is most likely seeing now. You were in love with a persona - a semblance - of a person; he, himself, was never real. It isn't him that you want back, because 'he' is a jerk. It was the man he 'pretended' to be that you love and miss, and want back; a man that really NEVER existed.

May I please post your email on the site so that others may read it and not feel so alone? It would be very much appreciated.

Best wishes, and please try to stop thinking about him. He truly wasn't 'real', but merely an 'act' that the narcissist put on in order to gain your admiration and feed their hungry 'ego'.

Tigress

Dear Tigress,

I didn't expect such a quick response. Wow. You're good!! Sure, I guess you can post it. I used to be such a toughie, could handle anything thrown my way. I just feel like such a fool and showing everyone else that I am too won't make me feel much better. If I didn't have a job to make me get out of bed every morning, and a daughter to try to avoid letting me fall apart 24/7, I don't think I would even be online looking for help.

And you're right, the ostracizing is the worst pain and punishment anyone can try to endure. I've never felt this kind of pain. Not even after my divorce and several relationships before that. This is just heartwrenching. Total denial of my existence. I just can't get past the crying stage. And I see how I fit right into his scheme; my father has always been controlling and a child abuser, my mother was submissive and went to her grave early because of it, my older brother was an abuser, my ex husband was an alcoholic which I endured for years. I am a woman that loves to much, or so I found out when another friend referred me to this site to avoid the lonliness and fear of being left alone and have no worthiness of love, due to the outcomes of all relationships with men. So of course, I thought I could put up with any way he treated me, cuz I've been there done that. What a waste of a year. I did everything for him. He was the reason for my happiness, which I know is also apparently unhealthy! Jeez.

So why don't you start a dating site from all the rejected good people on your site that really just want to be in a loving committed relationship with open honest communication.

Thanks.

Dame188

....and not even acknowledge it to himself! Why? Because he's off charming the socks off of new women as if your years together didn't even exist!

The narcissistic ex continually acts in abusive, bewildering and confusing ways. He is not above committing destructive acts. When the breakup becomes a reality, it is likely that his 'false persona' will completely disappear all together and you will most likely experience the most hurtful of behavior from him. He is completely lacking in empathy, and - since he is not receiving any admiration from you anymore - he will dismiss you and discard you as worthless to him, consequently dropping any fake front that he use to put up in order to keep you in the relationship. Click here to read 'Breaking Up With a Narcissist' by Tigress Luv

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