When the Narcissist Ignore You or Gives you the Silent Treatment
And Bannishes you from their Kingdom.
OSTRACISM AND THE EX - THE ULTIMATE REJECTION
By Tigress Luv, The Breakup Guru
Definition of 'Ostracism'
- noun: the act of excluding someone from society by general consent
- noun: the state of being banished or ostracized (excluded from society by general consent)
Definition of 'Ostracize'
- verb: avoid speaking to or dealing with ("Ever since I spoke up, my colleagues ostracize me")
- verb: expel from a community or group
Greetings, one and all! Well, I am in the middle of moving and I've had a very busy week here as I pack up my house and all of my belongings. Part of that 'packing' process involves going through every little thing I own and have collected over the years and then deciding what to keep and what to throw out.
Unfortunately, going through my belongings rehashed many of the hurt feelings I had experienced when I was with my current ex. How? Because I kept coming upon note after note after note; little things that I had scribbled to myself in notebooks, on odd scraps of paper, in journals, etc. Things I had all but forgotten about, until now when I found all my little, sad scribblings to 'remind' me...
"I feel so alone today; he hasn't acknowledged me or spoken to me in two weeks."
"When he didn't come home last night I went looking for him and when I found him he didn't even acknowledge my presence. I'm so sad..."
"Why won't he talk to me or even notice me?"
"I'm so very lonely today...why doesn't he want to be around me."
"He has slept in the chair for ten days in a row. I guess I must have done something wrong again..."
"He hasn't talked to me in days. He won't even make eye contact. Screw him!"
"He didn't even ask me what happened to my arm. He doesn't care at all, it's like I don't exist to him."
Now, mind you - these were notes I wrote to myself while we were still a couple! Yes, my ex was not only a narcissistic-abuser but an Ostracist (is that a word?) as well! He was an abuser who was well mastered in the ancient form of the 'Silent Treatment'. It was my abuser's 'special' method of 'killing me off'. In a sense, I was psychologically 'murdered' by him, even though my physical life went on.
Ostracism has often been used - but rarely acknowledged - as a lever to gain the upper handle or control in many relationship's power struggles. Never is this more evident than in the breaking up of a relationship - especially with a narcissistic ex. In ancient times social ostracism was used to punish the 'offender' by casting them aside and essentially 'devaluing' them - making them feel 'unworthy' of the pack (unacceptable to the rest of society). It was meant to cause harm and it worked so well at doing just that very thing that we still use it to this day.
Ostracizing causes so much harm because we all have an inherent desire to be accepted by our fellow man. And never more is our need to be accepted more evident than when it comes to gaining the acceptance of someone we are in love with. When someone we love deeply not only gives us the silent treatment, but also goes full-force in ostracizing us, the pain can be especially deep. In a sense, not only is it belittling to us - making us feel like we don't matter - but we actually feel 'dead' to that person. Or worse yet, non-existent to begin with.
Many exes make ostracism their specialty. One benefit that an ex receives from practicing ostracization is an inflation of their ego and the ability to feel superior over the other person - the one they have 'cast out'.
Some exes like to feel superior in order to not feel the pain of losing your companionship; others use this as a form of revenge, and still some will want to feel this way as to devalue you of any worth. When they take away your 'worth' they don't feel your loss quite as much as they would have had they 'valued' you after the breakup. So they simply ostracize you. They speak not your name. They ignore your existence. If you were to run into them somewhere they would not acknowledge your presence at all. They have 'killed' you off, leaving you a non-entity.
This ostracizing far surpasses 'apathy' as it entails intentionally and purposefully committing acts of 'mental murder'. By its very nature, apathy is not 'intentional' - but ostracism is. The Ostracist has become the slayer of your existence, and by doing so they can then feel like your upper power. They are your 'maker' in that they have the power to give you life - and to 'take' your life away - and what could make them feel more superior to you (at least, in their eyes) than that?
To be unacknowledged by your fellow man is difficult enough, but to be so rejected as to be ostracized by someone you once had an intimate relationship with can be devastating.
The Ostracist won't even look at you should you accidentally meet somewhere. In fact, they will avoid looking at you even if you are sitting directly right in front of them! This is their way of dismissing and devaluing you, and also of making you hurt. And it works ... but only because you don't know that he or she is simply playing a 'fool's game'. And they are the 'fool'. I mean, to go that much out of their way to 'pretend' you don't exist must take an awful lot of conscious awareness and purposeful energy on their part. To feel that much awareness and energy towards another that it alters your own state of well-being is a ridiculous act of self-victimization, and one that reflects a person afraid of their own emotions and unsure of their own value and worth.
So, the next time The Ostracist ostracizes you, remember how much deliberate awareness and energy he or she is giving to this 'act' and feel good in knowing that 'you' now have regained the power over your self worth and feelings of acceptance. They are playing a fool's game and you have the power to accept or REJECT their feigned rejection!
For more information on surviving a narcissist read my digital reports about my own, ten-year experience of living with a narcissist here, at my narcissist advice website, Breaking Up With Your Narcisist
Breaking up with a histrionic narcissist? Be prepared for the battle of your life! While you are an emotional basketcase, he is as Cold as Ice! While you are left holding down the fort and dealing with the real-life responsibilities, he walks away from everything leaving you to mop off his stage and pay his bills. He will punish you in ways you couldn't possibly have ever imagined...
....and not even acknowledge it to himself! Why? Because he's off charming the socks off of new women as if your years together didn't even exist!
The narcissistic ex continually acts in abusive, bewildering and confusing ways. He is not above committing destructive acts. When the breakup becomes a reality, it is likely that his 'false persona' will completely disappear all together and you will most likely experience the most hurtful of behavior from him. He is completely lacking in empathy, and - since he is not receiving any admiration from you anymore - he will dismiss you and discard you as worthless to him, consequently dropping any fake front that he once fabricated in order to keep you in the relationship. Click here to read our 'Breaking Up & Dealing With a Narcissist' downloadable pdf ebooks brought to you by Tigress Luv.